Surrender

Sitting here with my heart full of gratitude and tears flowing, 

I struggle with knowing how to begin.

So let's begin with...

 I am a redeemed sinner

 who is so thankful for the cross of Christ.

 It's a treasure beyond words.

It requires action from me. 

It begs for me to surrender.... 

to fully surrender....

everything...my family, my home, my job, myself...

my HEART!

Once upon a time, my life was in a neat little box with a blessed marriage, two healthy children, a rewarding job and a faith and love for Jesus. I would say that I shared my heart equally with everything in the box and life was good, so I thought. One day that box was shattered and ripped wide open and my heart was so exposed and vulnerable.

 I had a broken heart!

Now the natural thing to do was try fill my heart with things that would make it feel better; distraction, denial, avoidance, numbing...The list is long and I would have tried any of them. By the grace of God, He gave me a little faith to hold onto. Faith in things that I could not understand. On my knees and at the feet of Jesus, HE filled my heart, instead of me filling it with other things. At his feet I began to feel more love for Jesus and a deeper appreciation for the cross, which stirred up questions...

" How can I love him more? "

" I already thought I loved him. "

 Which brought me to the greatest command,

 “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37

A revelation... Oh no, I was busy living my life in a neat box and I was sharing my heart, mind and thoughts equally with God. I was guilty of idolatry. Those babies should have had a tag on them when placed in my arms saying:

 Teach your children to love me with all their heart, soul and mind.

P.S. Warning: Don't love them more than you love me.

 Love,

 God

I used to read the ten commandments and have a mental check " do that," "don't do that". Here all this time, I didn't think I was making idols and worshiping them. My life was my idol. When my heart was so exposed and in need of repair, God showed me things about myself. 

The more God healed my heart, the more I saw myself as a sinner,

  and the ground at the foot of the cross became more level.

I stand at the foot of the cross with a world of sinners and we are equally guilty. I stand right next to the prostitutes and murderers- even though somewhere in my mind, I had put myself in a category as "not so bad, I don't do that." As if, Jesus died more for others than me.

Sometimes struggles in life leave us at a place of surrender, surrendering our minds and hearts to God. When I fully surrender I am able to see the ugliness of my own heart and I appreciate the power of the cross. At his feet I bow and surrender my heart. I never want to wake up and think more highly of myself than I should. Christ died for me because of my sin and I must never lose sight of this treasure! 

The words from I LAY ME DOWN (listen here)

Fear and failure, pride and hatred, You see all I've tried to hide.

But sweet mercy has embraced me, wrath has turned to life divine...

Into my emptiness you speak life and give me breath...

Undone by holiness take my all and nothing less...

At your feet I lay me down!

~2RJL

My Struggle With Prayer

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. 

Stay alert and be persistent 

in your prayers for all believers everywhere.
Ephesians 6:18

On Sunday morning our Pastor had a great message on prayer being our lifeline. I couldn't agree more with prayer being my lifeline but... I must share my struggle and journey through what I understood about prayer and how I understand prayer today in my own personal life. I really never thought of God as a "genie in a bottle" yet, my pride left me thinking of prayer as something that was answered or unanswered. A very shaky belief system to be stuck in!

The journey begins with an extremely tragic and traumatic experience my whole family endured. It was a beautiful Mother's Day and my whole family was celebrating with my mom. It was a peaceful afternoon, we were sitting outside enjoying the day, we took notice of a very strange and unique white bird soaring over the house, wondering what it could be? My sister suggested we get some flowers and plant them for our mom. The planting involved all of us and a tractor. How such a peaceful moment turned into something so horrific I can't even begin to set the stage. The tractor lunged forward pinning my sister to the house while continuing to push forth with great force on her leg. Everyone I loved was in such panic and distress. All I could do was cry out to God through the tears as I saw the faces of those I loved. As she was released from the grip of the tractor, she was raced to the car with injuries not looking too serious on the outside. I remember running to her in the car and saying another prayer over her. I prayed for healing, doctors to have wisdom, learning more about her injury, I prayed for the helicopter to come quickly... I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. As it turned out the helicopter could not land due to the wind, as it turned out the doctor was a locum, as it turned out the surgeon was not available, as it turned out the hospital ran out of blood. My sister went to her heavenly home that day. From my limited view and perspective of prayer it appeared that the prayers and petitions I cried out went unanswered. I do not share any of the circumstances as if there is someone or something to blame. I share the circumstances because they were contrary to my appeals to God, ...I hold on to the promises of the Psalms 139:16, believing there is so much on this side of eternity that I do not understand. I know that God is beyond my limited comprehension of life and I can not explain anything with a comment or a word that could possibly make sense of things. So I will not try, I trust HIS words.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

 before one of them came to be.

Shaken and full of grief, I continued to hold on to God. I read the book, 90 Minutes In Heaven, which struck my nerve in regard to prayer. The story was about a man mangled beyond recognition from a car accident and believed that one of the reasons he lived was because a man crawled in his car and prayed for him. Now, I don't know why his results were different than my sisters but with comments like that it shook my own understanding of prayer. My mind raced thoughts..."if that is to be true... Did not enough people pray for my sister? Did I not pray long enough? Did I not pray hard enough...?" Very well intended people bragged about God through their answered prayers. Believe me, I became very hardened to comments like that. I remember a person who had been battling with cancer said, "My cancer has been removed, it is an answer to prayer. God is so good." I said with tears in my eyes... "God didn't answer any of my prayers for my sister, yet HE is still good." My ears became very prickly to comments made by well intended people about prayer and answered prayer. I am convinced this is one reason many people turn away from God. They have begged God to remove a struggle or a battle and haven't seen results while others share their results as answered prayer. Instead of sharing our struggles and fears we decide to brag about how God answered our prayer or how he has blessed us. All the while others are feeling alone, abandoned and not loved because their cries haven't been answered. Something I have felt many times. I had to think that maybe they too had a misunderstanding of prayer, like me.

Still trying to sort through my struggle to understand prayer, I didn't stop praying or having dialog with God but I was very cautious about how and what I asked for and who I shared with. Again tragedy struck! Seventeen months later a car accident involving our daughter. Again, I cried out to God, "Abba, Father, please give her back to me!" All alone, sitting by the car... unable to reach her, hold her and save her. Through tears, screams and cries I begged God for her life, this time knowing he very well may not answer my petitions the way I was asking of them. At the hospital, many came to join in prayer for healing, I don't want to say I was skeptical, but I was. In conversing with the Doctor, I held on to a little hope in prayer, I remember him telling me all the things that they had tried and I asked him to do me a favor and ask God.  And he said " I have been." Our lovely daughter went to her heavenly home that day. Thank goodness, I didn't give up on prayer. I felt the prayers that so many cried out to God for our family. I felt comfort at times...I felt peace at times...As time went on I felt joy at times... Days when I thought no one remembered a little card would come in the mail. There were many faithful people who felt helpless and the only thing they could do was to pray. People from the community, family, friends and complete strangers led by the spirit continued to lift our family up in prayers.  I never doubted that!

“In my distress I called to the LORD;

 I cried to my God for help. 

From his temple he heard my voice; 

my cry came before him, into his ears.” – Psalm 18:6,

Along the way, I still felt guarded about prayer. Comments like... "you need to have faith" or "God wants to bless you, just ask" made me feel I had done something wrong. Other comments, "it's a God thing" or "I see God's hand in it",  were made when things went well leading me to think God was only involved in good things and was not around in the bad. All those simple answers for a complex God made me ponder .... "Don't I have enough faith?", "Am I a bad person?" "God's only involved in good things?"  All of which I knew were lies from the enemy but again, well intentions pierced a broken and wounded heart. My prayer life became very private and very personal. I was convinced people were just a bunch of idiots. I had to work hard not to take people down into an all out body slam. "Please pray for my daughter she has her period today." Seriously!! Okay, that might be an exaggeration but it really is NOT. I was on a journey to grow in my knowledge and understanding of prayer and these comments were not helpful. Now, I know that we are to not worry about anything and let all our requests and petitions with thanksgiving be known to God, but I really needed to isolate myself from this thinking until I felt God's peace with my understanding of prayer.

Through the grieving process, I discovered and experienced Romans 8:26 & 

l Corinthians 14:14-15 My prayer time became my love language to God.  It became very emotional, moving and edifying; it became a time of worship.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, 

For we do not know how we ought to pray, 

but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us

 with groans too deep for words.  

For if I pray in tongues, my spirit is praying,

but I don't understand what I am saying.

Well then, what shall I do?

I will pray in the spirit, 

and I will also pray in words I understand.

I will sing in the spirit, 

and I will also sing in words I understand.

On my knees with a love language for God I had never known before, I prayed and He began to fill me with HIM. An intimacy I had not known formed; a oneness was being woven. I had heard about God but I was beginning to feel I knew God. How could this be? Irregardless of my life circumstances God is so very good because of who HE is and what HE has done. On my knees... is where I knew I wanted and needed to be. 

Prayer became my lifeline!

~2RJL

Hearing God's Voice

While driving to work this morning, I couldn't help but think about the Laodicean Church in Revelation 3:14-24 and the times we are living in.  We are neither cold nor hot; we are lukewarm.  We don't know what we stand for or believe in... but Jesus said 

"Here I am, I stand at the door and knock,

 If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, 

I will come in and eat with him and he with me. " 

Are we listening for Jesus' voice? In the Old Testament God sent prophets to speak to his people. Prophets would speak truth, speak conviction, speak repentance, speak a future hope in the coming Messiah. Most often the people didn't heed the warning and calamity came. Does God still send prophets today? I do not know? But... I will say God still speaks to his people today through his word, through his holy spirit living in us, and I believe, through other people unaware of God's plan.

With that in mind I am going to bring up this fall's election. This is not a push for a party or a person.  I believe people are fearful of the future if their party candidate does not win. We do not know or understand the plan God has but often in biblical history the people got the exact kind of leader they begged for.  I have complete confidence that America will get the exact kind of leader we beg for. From where I see it, neither candidate is of a standard that I would like to see on the ballot.  We can fight over who lies more, who respects women less and the list continues...both are flawed and sinful people who need the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, just like we all do.  We are called to lift our leaders up in prayer so that is what we all should be doing.

But...I must share that I can't help but think that God is trying to wake us up one last time, like a plea to the Laodicean Church,   

You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’

 And you don’t realize that you are wretched and 

miserable and poor and blind and naked. 

 So I advise you to buy gold from me—

gold that has been purified by fire. 

Then you will be rich. 

Also buy white garments from me 

so you will not be shamed by your nakedness,

 and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. 

 I correct and discipline everyone I love. 

So be diligent and turn from your indifference.

We have become a culture that believes itself to be rich, just like ancient Israel, we have wandered off and followed other gods-god of money, god of selfishness and pride.  Honestly I don't believe a D vote or an R vote will change the hearts and souls of people. Again, how would God speak to the people...through his word the bible, through his Holy Spirit or through other believers.  I can't help but notice a VP candidate, now don't get all huffy and stop reading. He is a human flawed and sinful, like we all are. It's not about the vote, it's much bigger than that.  

I watched both party conventions in July and his words spoke volumes.  He introduced himself  " I am a Christian, a conservative and a republican in that order". Wow, he identifies himself first and foremost with Christ. Later in September at the prayer breakfast he read scripture from 2 Chronicles 7:14,  He spoke of humbleness and repentance.

Then if my people who are called by my name

 will humble themselves and pray and seek my face

 and turn from their wicked ways, 

I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins

 and restore their land.

Then during the VP debate when asked about his faith-he didn't affiliate it with his denomination. He again identified his faith with Christ. When asked what is most dear to his heart he spoke of abortion and the rights of our unborn children.  * I have much to say on this matter but I will refrain!  He again spoke scripture Psalm 139:13-16.

For You formed my inward parts;

         You wove me in my mother’s womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

         Wonderful are Your works,

         And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

         When I was made in secret,

         And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written

The days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them.

Now, if this is striking a nerve, I apologize, I am only sharing the scripture that was shared with the nation by a man who identifies himself with Christ, attributes his faith to Christ and is willing to stand with scripture to guide and lead his beliefs.  Again, I am not sharing this to sway a vote, I am sharing because I believe God is speaking to his people, not as a way for who to vote for, but as an invitation for us to HEAR HIS VOICE, OPEN THE DOOR TO OUR HEARTS and HAVE FELLOWSHIP with HIM!  Let us seek him; let us be a city on a hill and a light in the darkness. Now is the time for brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus to unite in peace, love, boldness and truth! 

MARANATHA!

~2RJL

A Daily Dance of Trust

  

Trust in the LORD always, for the LORD God is the eternal rock. Isaiah 26:4

The night our beautiful daughter went to her heavenly home all we could do was sit on her bedroom floor and hold on to her belongings, her scents, and her presence. Through the unimaginable pain and tears we fingered through a newly discovered prayer journal. We couldn't help but believe that the scriptures that spoke to her heart and through her pen were inspired by the Holy Spirit. The echoing theme revolved around trust. God allowed that golden nugget to stay with us. HE knew how hard it would be for us to trust HIM through the pain, the unknowns and the fears. The amount of fear that hovers over tragedy, calamity and struggles is so gripping it cripples your most inner being. HE knew how hard it would be for us to trust HIM with LIFE when life had just been shattered.  

"How can I trust in God when he let me down?" "How could a loving God hold out his arms and not catch me?" These questions taunted the mind like an echo that wouldn't quit. In the stillness a whisper came from within ... "If you make me small enough for your mind I won't be big enough for you!"  There was no way that I could understand the all knowing, all powerful God, so I had to let go of the taunting whispers of doubt and fear. "Lord, help me to let my thoughts be your thoughts, help me to TRUST."

Isaiah 55:8-9

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Through the journey of learning to TRUST I discovered LOVE.  A deepening love for Christ that I had not known before. I looked to the cross and it meant something so much more.  I never took it for granted again. The cross became real!!  Our daughter lives because Christ conquered death. Our son lives because Christ conquered death.Jesus Christ won!  

The LOVE for Jesus slowly stitched and mended my broken heart.
 In the mending process my love for Jesus grew richer, purer and deeper.
 I also realized that when my life was in a neat little box and all was well,
 I loved HIM and my life equally. Unaware, I loved them the same. 
After losing our daughter my heart was shattered and torn to the point of physical agony.   
In the midst of this brokenness all I could do was cling to HIM. 
At HIS feet, HE began to mend me by filling me with HIM.
  More of HIM and less of me...less of my family, 
less of my children, less of my plans and desires.
 As, time went on, I realized that I loved Jesus more than I ever had before.  
 At HIS feet HE fully and truly filled me.
 Apart from HIM I can do nothing and that includes loving HIM.  

Trusting God with our daughter who is safe in HIS arms in heaven is easier for me than trusting HIM with our son who is living in the world where there is pain, sorrow and suffering.  We do not know what tomorrow brings. I will never fully understand life on this side of eternity, but I hold on to HIS promise For God so loved the world... 
 I know that Jesus loves me and gave himself up for me.
 Because of HIS love for the world, HE held himself to the cross. 
We have a God who promised us an eternity with HIM. 
 We have a Savior who LOVES us and we have a Savior we can TRUST!  
HIS LOVE is the anchor of my heart that allows me to TRUST. The words penned by our daughter were for us to remember that LIFE will be hard.  Each day will have it's challenges and that trusting is a daily dance with our SAVIOR. 

Psalm 56 3-4
But when I am afraid,
   I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.

    I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
    What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 56:8

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book.

 Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, 

and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.

 All these things are gone forever."

~2RJL
Stina shared this song with me a couple week before her car accident.

Post, Publish or Send?

Who needs to know?  Who will this build up?  Who might this hurt? 
Those should be the questions I ask myself before I push the send, post or publish button for all to see.

Now there should be two feet in the photo but only one of us has a foot that can be shared publicly. That alone should be a reason to not publish this post but I have been sitting on this thought for two years and it keeps tugging at my heart.

Two years ago we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary at a lovely beach. I am so thankful for our marriage and our relationship that is grounded in Christ Jesus.  Now I could share with the whole world what a great and awesome spouse I have and that would only be partly true.  My spouse is great and awesome only for ME.  God chose to put us together just like so many other blessed couples. But who needs to know?  I think God is the only one that needs to know and we will personally tell HIM with thanksgiving and worship. Who will this build up?  Well... If I focus on marriage and Jesus it might encourage someone but do I need to tell how awesome my spouse is to encourage someone?  Probably not. Who will this hurt?  Well...it might hurt a family member who is grieving the loss of his spouse, it might hurt a neighbor who is struggling with his wife having breast cancer, it might hurt those who are divorced and lonely. So...as I see it, my words may cause way more hurt than anything.

When going through difficult struggles in life the "wounded heart" is so vulnerable to more hurts.  It opens me up to see how insensitive, prideful and selfish others 
can be...but oh thank goodness, I don't stay there.  God lets me see how 
insensitive, prideful and selfish I am. Yes, God uses my struggles for me to look inside my own heart and see my selfishness and pride!  I don't believe this would be 
possible if I wasn't so aware of pain.  Seeing my own ugliness makes me 
realize how dependent I am on my savior, Jesus! 

HE picks me up, washes me and tells me who I am in HIM! 

We can bathe in our pride of self through joys or we can bath in pride of self through struggles.  Struggles can consume us, as well as the joys, both interfering with our ability to be used by God for his purpose and glory.  We can spend our whole day posting, publishing and sending our joys that do nothing for anyone or we can 
spend our whole day drowning in our struggles and sadness in our 
"woundedness" reading other peoples' joys, only hurting ourselves more, OR 
we can find Jesus to be our PRIDE and JOY! Now HE is worth pushing the post, publish and send button for!  Who needs to know?  Everyone!  Who will HE build up?  Everyone!  Who might HE hurt?  No one!

1 Corinthians 1:31 Therefore, as the Scriptures say, "If you want to boast, boast only about the LORD."

Galations 6:14 As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died.

 ~ 2RJL

Be Still

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words;

no sound is heard from them.

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world.

Psalm 19:1-4

Most days stepping outside I join in with the chorus of nature, the birds singing, geese honking, trees rustling; I am with a focus and a mission, busy without hearing.  But some days, some days are extraordinary! Creation calls for me to stop and listen. My heart quickens as I absorb the colors of the grass, the trees, the flowers, the sky... As the chorus of nature quiets me, it's a quiet call for me to listen with intent. The quietness engulfs me as I look out to the sunrise or sunset and feel a sense of peace. My heart rate slows down, I breathe slower and an unknown weight becomes lighter with each breath. The heavens are calling my spirit in an unheard voice.  This voice begs from me silence. A silence with a stillness from a voice that is known deep within my soul. This known voice is welling up in my soul and bursts forth in praise. Praise God!  Praise God, for his glory and the works of his hands are proclaimed! The works of His hands are a constant reminder that I need to listen with intent to hear the unspoken words of God and give him the praise that he so deserves.

~2RJL

Romans 1:20

20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

Blessed Assurance

Alone and Broken

Have you ever felt alone and broken, wondering,

Where is God? 

 If we are honest with ourselves, the answer would be yes.

At some point in our lives, if not yet, there will be a time when we beg the question,

"Where are you God?"

          We have believed a lie.  A lie that God is only involved in the good things in life called blessings.  We equate blessings to getting what we want...having our prayers answered the way we asked of them or when things fall nicely into place use the phrase 'It's a God thing" as the explanation. If we took the time to reflect we would know this is not true nor is it biblical. Yet, we continue to fly high feeling blessed until something happens and we are left feeling alone and broken wondering where is God?  As Jesus hung on the cross he too begged the question.

Matthew 27:46 Jesus called out with a loud voice, 

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means 

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?

          A cry out to our heavenly father as Jesus did from the cross is an example for us to follow. As Jesus hung on the cross bearing the sins of the world he was separated from God.  He took our place so that we never have to be separated from God.  We may feel alone and broken but God is with us! When we believe the lie that God is only involved in good things and good things are blessings we will crumble in our loneliness and brokenness.  We must see blessings with an eternal perspective.

 Matthew 5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   

         The trials and struggles we go through lead us to the foot of the cross with a cry out to our heavenly father conforming us to the likeness of his son, Jesus.  Suffering with a broken heart gives us insights into the very character of God.   A life's journey of developing Christ like character is a blessing in itself.  

Matthew 5:3-10

Jesus said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

5 Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

7 Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

       As I look out to the field and see the lonely tree and broken down wagon wheel,  I think of the cross where Jesus was broken and alone and know I have a God who knows my sufferings.  He promises to carry me through them even though it does not feel like it.  I have faith in his words that all of creation eagerly awaits for it's redemption and these present sufferings do not compare to the glory that will be revealed in us.  For this is my blessed assurance!

~2RJL