Surrender

Sitting here with my heart full of gratitude and tears flowing, 

I struggle with knowing how to begin.

So let's begin with...

 I am a redeemed sinner

 who is so thankful for the cross of Christ.

 It's a treasure beyond words.

It requires action from me. 

It begs for me to surrender.... 

to fully surrender....

everything...my family, my home, my job, myself...

my HEART!

Once upon a time, my life was in a neat little box with a blessed marriage, two healthy children, a rewarding job and a faith and love for Jesus. I would say that I shared my heart equally with everything in the box and life was good, so I thought. One day that box was shattered and ripped wide open and my heart was so exposed and vulnerable.

 I had a broken heart!

Now the natural thing to do was try fill my heart with things that would make it feel better; distraction, denial, avoidance, numbing...The list is long and I would have tried any of them. By the grace of God, He gave me a little faith to hold onto. Faith in things that I could not understand. On my knees and at the feet of Jesus, HE filled my heart, instead of me filling it with other things. At his feet I began to feel more love for Jesus and a deeper appreciation for the cross, which stirred up questions...

" How can I love him more? "

" I already thought I loved him. "

 Which brought me to the greatest command,

 “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37

A revelation... Oh no, I was busy living my life in a neat box and I was sharing my heart, mind and thoughts equally with God. I was guilty of idolatry. Those babies should have had a tag on them when placed in my arms saying:

 Teach your children to love me with all their heart, soul and mind.

P.S. Warning: Don't love them more than you love me.

 Love,

 God

I used to read the ten commandments and have a mental check " do that," "don't do that". Here all this time, I didn't think I was making idols and worshiping them. My life was my idol. When my heart was so exposed and in need of repair, God showed me things about myself. 

The more God healed my heart, the more I saw myself as a sinner,

  and the ground at the foot of the cross became more level.

I stand at the foot of the cross with a world of sinners and we are equally guilty. I stand right next to the prostitutes and murderers- even though somewhere in my mind, I had put myself in a category as "not so bad, I don't do that." As if, Jesus died more for others than me.

Sometimes struggles in life leave us at a place of surrender, surrendering our minds and hearts to God. When I fully surrender I am able to see the ugliness of my own heart and I appreciate the power of the cross. At his feet I bow and surrender my heart. I never want to wake up and think more highly of myself than I should. Christ died for me because of my sin and I must never lose sight of this treasure! 

The words from I LAY ME DOWN (listen here)

Fear and failure, pride and hatred, You see all I've tried to hide.

But sweet mercy has embraced me, wrath has turned to life divine...

Into my emptiness you speak life and give me breath...

Undone by holiness take my all and nothing less...

At your feet I lay me down!

~2RJL